Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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