Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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