I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
