i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
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My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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