i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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