Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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