my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
