saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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