I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
