no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
