There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
