Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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