Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He did a backflip because drugs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
