Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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