i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
