Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
