dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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