there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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