I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
