I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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