What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
