Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
