note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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