I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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