frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
