If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
