She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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