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can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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