Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
