Intervention is following me on twitter.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.