and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?