I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
