That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
