Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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