It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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