guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
