i just wanna soil my oats bro
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges