Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face