She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
