If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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