thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
