Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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