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I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i will never coherently bang her
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
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