one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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