Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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