i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I would ride that face into the sunset
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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