Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
