you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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