why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
