The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize