We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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