he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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