Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
