I will die if light touches me.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
