I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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