highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
