I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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